Panhandler Set to Reveal Source of 'Twenty-Five-Cent Coffee'

Manhattan, NY – In what is destined to be a momentous occasion of enormous proportions, a New York City panhandler is set to reveal the location of the elusive “twenty-five-cent cup of coffee”.

The move comes after mounting pressure from New Yorkers who find themselves constantly hassled by panhandles demanding “a quarter for a cup of coffee”, numerous times each day.

“I think it is completely unfair that panhandlers can pay twenty-five cents for a coffee while we, working people, pay as much as six dollars,” complained Manhattan resident Earl Lee Rizer.

The panhandler – whose name is being withheld for fear of being targeted by panhandlers determined to maintain the well-kept secret – agreed to the proposition after he was offered free coffee for life in exchange for the exposé. “I will admit that the cheap coffee tastes like mud,” he warned, “but it’s dirt cheap, so I can’t complain.”

The location of the discount coffee will be printed in The Morning Cup, a news magazine popular among coffee connoisseurs.

“We will be accompanied to the secret location by a large amount of security personnel,” said Morning Cup editor, Ivana Wright. “We never know what kind of trouble might be brewing.”

Employee at KFC Suspected of Being Jewish

Louisville, KY – A shocking revelation has rocked the world of non-kosher fast food when it was discovered that an employee at the KFC plant in Louisville may be of Jewish descent.

Being Jewish at KFC runs afoul of the company’s policy, which was instated after KFC received numerous complaints from Jewish consumers who mistakenly confused its acronym for Kosher Fried Chicken.

“Although there is no reason whatsoever to suspect that he is Jewish,” KFC’s spokesperson Paul Tree said of employee Harvey Goldberg, “we intend to thoroughly investigate this matter.”

The investigation comes after a long-time employee at the KFC plant, Chris P. Nugitt, reported that Goldberg would disappear three times a day, leave early on Fridays and bring his own lunches to work.

Nugitt discussed his suspicions with fellow co-workers who encouraged him to inform authorities. When he refused to do so, they mocked him, saying that he was too chicken to open his mouth.

“I have no beef with the guy,” Nugitt explained.

Under pressure, Nuggit reported his suspicions to his supervisor who had Goldberg tailed. An investigation found that Goldberg was attending a nearby synagogue for daily prayers, and was leaving early on Fridays to be home in time for the Shabbat.

“Each employee at the plant is a valuable asset, and Goldberg is no exception,” Tree stated at a press conference. “If we were to lose someone like Harvey, I’m don’t think the company could wing it. We have decided that there is no basis whatsoever for termination of employment.”

“Besides,” he added, “if we he was to take the matter to court, the company wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.”

His words, however, were too little too late.

By the time word of the decision reached the plant, Goldberg had already flown the coup. “It seemed as though he was afraid of being tarred and feathered by envious co-workers as a result of the company’s favoritism,” a fellow plant worker said on condition of anonymity. “It’s not usual for corporate to bend the rules as they have in this case.”

“I’m sure it’s for his benefit,” he added. “The pay here is for the birds.”

When Jewish Nooz attempted to reach Goldberg’s wife, Tzipporah, for comment, their daughter, Faigie, answered the phone. Her mother, she said, was not available for comment. She was busy in the kitchen making chicken soup.

Matza Baking to be Outsourced to India

New York, NY – Taking its queue from Corporate America, the matza baking industry will be following in the footsteps such mammoth corporations as Dell, Microsoft, and American Express.

Matt Saaven, president of the American Matza Bakeries Association (AMBA) explained the reason behind the move. “Due to the annual rise – no pun intended – in the costs of producing shmura matza, we are forced to find ways to lower our costs. Those savings will, in turn, be passed over – again, no pun intended – to our customers.”

Saaven added that while inflation and rising costs were forcing the price of matza to reach exorbitant heights, Jewish families are only growing, increasing the demand. At the same time, salaries are not being adjusted accordingly.

The massive matza baking plant is currently under construction in the Indian town of Lachmaanya, and will employ a large number of local residents who, otherwise, live in poverty and destitution. Many will be contracted to construct and maintain the enormous plant, while others will be employed as custodians.

Lachmaanya resident Ayteen Minnitz is applauding the move. “I am just glad to finally have a source of steady income to support my family,” he said.

In the United States, however, the move has been met with both praise and caution, dividing both the Jewish community as a whole, as well as couples and families who have differing opinions on the matter.

New York City resident Lois Pryce believes that AMBA is making the right move. “The cost of a pound of matza has become so unaffordable.” she said. “Any move that will bring the prices down is the right move.”

Her husband disagrees.

“It is extremely important that the jobs stay here in the United States, even if it means that the additional cost is coming from the consumer’s pocket,” said her husband, Hy Pryce. “The good news is that the price of matza makes gas look cheap.”

HIP To Offer Passover Insurance

Brooklyn, NY – Beginning April 1st, a major New York health insurance company will begin offering a new type of specialty insurance, geared to the Orthodox Jewish community.

HIP (acronym for “Hardships Inflicted by Passover”), will begin to cover observant Jews who were harmed by Passover-related difficulties, Jewish Nooz has learned.

The move comes after the company received numerous reports over the past few years of broken or missing teeth, clogged intestines, wine-stained white shirts and haggadas, and popped pants buttons. Other damages include sore thumbs resulting from breaking thick matzos at the center, particularly during the yachatz ritual.

“Due to the risky nature of this venture, HIP will be encouraging our clientele to implement preventative measures to avoid the occurrence of such incidents,” HIP’s Chief Operating Officer Noah Levin said in a statement released yesterday.

The statement goes on to state that HIP has reached an agreement with Home Depot, in which orthodox rabbis will be contracted to kasher the industrial circular saws in accordance with the laws of Passover. Members of the HIP Passover Plan will be able to present their HIP card at any Home Depot location, and have their matza cut by the circular saws.

A number of Home Depot employees criticized this move out of concern that the saws will be severely damaged while attempting to cut the matza. “It’s one thing for the saws to cut through 4-inch plywood,” complained Bill Ding, a saw operator at a local branch, “but Matzah – now that’s gonna put a strain on our equipment that I don’t think they are built for.”

Other measures include an alliance with Bedford Sewer. This partnership will allow members who are afflicted by the “bread of affliction” to use their services free of charge, to clear any bodily or structural plumbing back-ups.

Duane Pype, a manager at Bedford Sewer, is geared up for the job. “We’ve cleared some major back-ups in the past, but this is one challenge we have never faced before and are looking forward to,” he said.

“I’ll be first in line once Passover has passed over,” said Al K. Seltzer, a long-time sufferer of heartburn and constipation, as a result of the Passover diet.

Consumers are excited about and have responded well to this new program. The real challenge at hand is dealing with the temptation to ditch the cardboard-like matza and reach for the cake. “There’s no insurance for that,” said Will Power, a Brooklyn resident.

Jewish Nooz's Dan Druff and Constance Noring contributed to this report.